Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Learning to let go at the most unlikely of times...

For the first time in over a month, my house feels clean to me. All the plans I had to start 2015 off with a game plan in place and a goal in front of me... Well, I think God laughs at our plans sometimes... at least at mine, when I run ahead of him.

My grandmother's drastic decline and recent passing put life on hold. It felt like we spent most of the month of December away from home. I left dishes unwashed and clothes in piles. The person that loves spending the holidays with family does not want to see a suitcase again for a while.
I would never trade those moments with her for anything in this world, but all my grand plans for mapping out my strategy for 2015 quickly fell to the wayside. To be honest, I actually forgot about them until December 31.

This control craving human (you'll see the irony of that descriptor later) wanted to start the year, on January 1, with a clear and distinct goal in mind...something written on paper so as to not be forgotten as the months rolled by. Like that was going to make everything flow smoothly for the new year and ensure that I would achieve the success I desired. *smirk*

Little did I know that God was working on my mind, my heart, my soul, my family, my accountability partner, and my child to streamline things into small segments that I could achieve without letting my ADD brain shut out something important.

Instead of starting 2015 with a written list of goals in hand, I spent January 1 trusting in the Father for peace and the comfort of my family. I spent the first seven days in what seemed like a surreal fog. Earlier in the month, I had made my peace with the end result that was coming. My grandmother would meet the Lord soon and I took comfort in the fact that I knew she knew Him as her Saviour. While that allowed me to let her go, it did not cauterize my heart to the hurt that would follow. Even now, I feel like life is a little surreal, and one of these days the Husband will come home to find me sobbing and the Itty Bitty drying my tears.

Back to God and our plans... The Father knew she would pass on December 31 and that life would seem to stand still, that the things that seemed important for the new year would now look different, and that I would hear her, in my head, telling me to live my life and care for my family... something that would drive me to view the new year in a light that would honor her wish and give glory to our Father.

Do I think that my original desires for 2015 were bad or will go unseen? No, but I believe that when we wait upon the Lord and put all trust in Him, He works all things in accordance with His perfect will. Until now, I could not clearly plan out my desires for the coming months. My mind just wouldn't settle in one place. All I could see was the end goal, but not the steps in between. I guess you could say I could not seem to get a grasp, or control, of the situation.

In the half week I have been home, I already feel my mind streamlining my business goals, personal goals, parenting goals, and marriage goals with my spiritual goals. My heart is at peace and I am able to draw strength from Him in areas where I am weak and praise Him for areas in which He has blessed me with gifts to serve Him through. Somewhere along the way I just seemed to give up control. I couldn't hold on to it anymore. It wasn't worth it. And you know what... that's exactly what He was waiting for. This control loving human had to get to the place where I knew full well I could not control things before I fully let go to him.

Does that mean that the flesh has now been conquered? Um, no! I'm human, and I like control, but each day I will get up and praise Him for who He is, and acknowledge that by doing my best to let Him have control. Things always go better with God at the wheel and I hope 2015 is quite a ride... so who better to have manning the ship.

In Christ,
A Southern Sinner

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